The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
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I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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