You just made me feel so damn special
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
