So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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