if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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