So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
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Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
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I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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