I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
