He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
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She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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