I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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