you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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