Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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