We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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