moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
