so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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