I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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