drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
