I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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