You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
