Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
