I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
