Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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