Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
