I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
