If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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