Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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