I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Say something about gay babies.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
