Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
from now on my penis is your penis
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
