Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
