She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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