saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
