Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Vodka?
Forever.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
