I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
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Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
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She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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