my mouth tastes like poor choices
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is Oprah even human
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
