Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
