Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
