I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
