I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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