maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
