I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
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He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
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Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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