So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
