i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
