The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
