the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I need moral support for this bender
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
