i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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