im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Randomize
