I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
