Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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