Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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