haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
