I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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