What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
