The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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