Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
They took my balls.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
