He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
