he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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