i wish my penis had a tongue
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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