I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
