Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
