You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
