I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
