there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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