Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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