just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
