What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
