Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
