I think I just saw someone hide a body.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
