Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
